Thanksgiving is nearly upon us, truth-seekers, and I have to admit, I'm a little upset. Why is it that a non religious holiday is treated like one? Why does it get the status of a statutory holiday? I'll tell you why: liberals. It was liberal labour policies that forced Canadian companies into loosing a day of productivity and contribution to the free market, or otherwise are today forced to pay exorbitant wages to their employees who are only too happy to spend a day earning money to put food on their table, instead of staying at home with their families eating said food that might be on the table.
Since this holiday is non-religious, I propose a few amendments:
1) Not being tied down to a specific day of Jesus significance (or, Jesnificance), Thanksgiving should be able to adopt to the ever-changing world we find ourselves in. I am thankful for our Prime Minster, and I stand behind him, as he valiantly stands behind President George W. Bush. Since the rules changed on 9/11, we need to show our solidarity with our neighbours to the south. So lets stop this pretentious "October" holiday, and meld it with the American holiday. This way, labour losses will be on the same day, hence, lessening cross-border confusion in the TSE and NYSE. Also, that staple of Canadian debauchery, the Long Weekend will be killed with this new fandangled Thursday holiday. But more importantly, we can support our Commander-in-Chief as he supports a foreign Commander-in-Chief.
2) Haven't we been saying "thanks" long enough? Sure, I understand that our English and French pioneering fore-bearers were lost in a wilderness that, although divinely granted, was nonetheless harsh and unforgiving. I understand that they needed assistance from an indigenous people that were absent in the knowledge that God granted this land to the Europeans. But it's been several centuries! Isn't it time WE stopped saying thanks and THEY started saying it??? As my personal hero, Morpheus, said, "History, it seems, is not without a sense of irony". After all, it is OUR welfare system and employment insurance and "pro-active" preferential hiring policies that now help THEM to survive! I say that their gratitude is the LEAST we should be demanding of them!
3) But you know, just to show that I'm not that cynical, maybe they don't have to thank us. Maybe we can change our tone by changing the name. Instead of THANKSgiving, lets call it FORgiving. Indeed, I think it's time that we, the descendants of European beneficiaries of this great continent should get off our high horse and forgive the indians. Lets let bygones be bygones and forgive them for blaming the firewater when they murdered our daughters, burned Sainte Marie Among the Hurons (the first time), and opportunistically signed land treaties that the British were clearly unable to uphold in the long run. Lets all remember, that the savages were TAMED! Surely we can forgive them for their trespasses, as they forgave those who trespassed against them (I think that's how it goes). So, to all my fellow sons of Europe, lets all go to the nearest indian community (Caledonia or Kasheshewan), and buy them all a coke (or a blue light for those over the age of 12). Just make sure you make reservations.
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